Jokes n Talks

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."


The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

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Do you want to learn how can you be successful in your life? If your answer is a yes, then you will have to start from the most fundamental method, which is to adopt the success habit of a successful person. It is your habit that will determine the results you are going to get in your life. If you are someone who is lazy, you will never bother about spending time to improve yourself.

Therefore, if you want to be successful in your life, you have to start by adopting the 3 success habits in this article. Once you have adopted these habits, you will start to notice changes in your life and eventually you will move toward the direction where you want in your life. Here are the 3 habits...

1. Learn to be proactive. Successful people are the people who make things happen instead of waiting for things to happen. They are the ones who will often take the first step to make things possible. If you want to be successful, this is definitely the habit you must adopt. Instead of waiting for your customer to come to you, go out and look for your customer. Instead of waiting for success to come to you, make the first move and realize your dreams.

2. Learn to be passionate. This is the secret key to success you cannot miss. If you want to be successful, you must adopt the habit of doing something you love. If you hate your job, you will never get it done perfectly. However, if you are passionate about your job and you love what you do, you will do it with amazing results. This is what makes successful people successful in their life. Learn to love your job and adopt the habit of being passionate with everything you do in your life.

3. Finally, adopt the habit of constantly thinking about successful. If you want good things to come to you, you must first think about good things. Thinking about what you want to accomplish in your life will enhance your thought pattern and remind you about what you need to do all the time. Besides that, it will also make sure you are traveling in the right direction. The more you think about achieving great results in your life, the more excited you will be and eventually, the more successful you will be.

Q: Did you catch that fish?
A: No, I talked him into giving himself up.


Q: (from a woman just pulled over by a police officer) Did I do something wrong, officer?
A: No, today we're giving tickets out for doing things right.


Q: Is it raining outside?
A: Does it ever rain inside?


Q: (Student to teacher) Can I go to the bathroom?
A: I don't know. Can you?


Q: So you haven't caught any fish yet huh?
A: Sure, I've caught millions, they're just in the water playing hide n' seek !

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Stick to a schedule. Erratic bedtimes do not allow for your body to align to the proper circadian rhythms. Mum was right when she set a time we always had to go to sleep as kids. Also, make sure you try to keep the same schedule on weekends too, otherwise the next morning, you’d wake later and feel overly tired.

Sleep only at night. Avoid daytime sleep if possible. Daytime naps steal hours from nighttime slumber. Limit daytime sleep to 20-minute, power naps.

Exercise. It’s actually known to help you sleep better. Your body uses the sleep period to recover its muscles and joints that have been exercised. Twenty to thirty minutes of exercise every day can help you sleep, but be sure to exercise in the morning or afternoon. Exercise stimulates the body and aerobic activity before bedtime may make falling asleep more difficult.

Taking a hot shower or bath before bed helps bring on sleep because they can relax tense muscles...

Avoid eating just before bed. Avoid eat large meals or spicy foods before bedtime. Give yourself at least 2 hours from when you eat to when you sleep. This allows for digestion to happen (or at least start) well before you go to sleep so your body can rest well during the night, rather than churning away your food.

Avoid caffeine. It keeps you awake and that’s now what you want for a good nights sleep. We all know that.

Read a fiction book. It takes you to a whole new world if you really get into it. And then take some time to ponder over the book as you fall asleep. I find as I read more and more, regardless of the book, I get more tired at night and so find it easier to fall asleep. Different for others?

Have the room slightly cooler. I prefer this to a hot room. I prefer to turn off the heat and allow the coolness to circulate in and out of the windows. If I get cold, I wear warmer clothes. It also saves on the bills as you’re not going to require the heat all night long.

Sleep in silence. I find sleeping with no music or TV on more easy and restful. I guess others are different, but sleep with no distractions is best for a clearer mind.

Avoid alcohol before bedtime. It’s a depressant; although it may make it easier to fall asleep, it causes you to wake up during the night. As alcohol is digested your body goes into withdrawal from the alcohol, causing nighttime awakenings and often nightmares for some people.

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Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late...
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" Asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project" said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy..

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
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One day, I hopped into a taxi and took off for the airport . We were driving in the right lane when suddenly, a black car, jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed the brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. I mean, was really friendly. So I asked, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck'

He explained, "Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. NEVER take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on with the routine life." Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so...... 'Love the people who treat you right.. Pray for the ones who don't.'

5.- No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

4.- Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.


3.- The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2.- The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

1.- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it
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A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Dachshund dog along for company.

One day, the Dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the Dachshund discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The Dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the Dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."


Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That Dachshund! Nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the Dachshund sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the Dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... And just when they get close enough to hear,

The Dachshund says........ ......... .....

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

------------ --

Moral: It doesn't matter what cards you hold but how you play them!!

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*Take chances.
*Fight for something you believe in.
*Tell the truth. Make cute lies.
*Date someone totally wrong for you.
*Say no...
*Spend all your money! Fall in love.
*Care for the one whom you loved.
*Get to know someone random.
*Sing out loud. Dance like a monkey.
*Laugh at a stupid joke.
*Cry for your feelings.
*Take revenge. Apologise.
*Be a wierdo at times.
*Stay lonely.
*Tell someone how much they mean to you.
*Speak to yourself.
*Tell that fool how he Or she hurts you.
*Let someone know what they're missing.
*Laugh till your stomach hurts.

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

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37 Ways to Make a Difference to Yourself and Others

- By Anolia Orfrecio Facun

"Making a difference" is not just a scheduled event or activity, but a moment any time when a person finds it in his/her heart to do something good, to care or to share, or to make a voluntary contribution to another individual, a community, or our society.

When we consciously give or do whatever we can to help maintain the wellness of individuals and families in our communities, these acts also contribute to the best quality of life of everyone in our society.

Let us continue to gather more bright ideas for our own lives and our surroundings.

Let's now begin to count the ways and put them into action..

The TIME has come... We say 'No more to gloom and doom!'

It is time to rise to our true potential... To experience total wellness in every area of our lives, contributing to solutions to maintain the quality of life we enjoy in our communities.

It is time for each of us to care more, to shine, and to carry the light of HOPE everywhere!

No one individual or one group, not even our government, can do it alone!

This is the time that we need each other most, to work together, joining our hands together in making a difference.

For YOURSELF:

1. Smile more often! Be amazed of how many will be happy to smile back at you. Besides, this is the best facial exercise you can make to delay aging signs -- so smile!

2. Eat right! Boost your immune system by eating more natural food, like fresh fruits and vegetables. This alone can significantly reduce your weight and health concerns.

3. Exercise regularly. The reason is not just to lose weight, but it's a great habit to maintain good health by improved circulation, elimination of body toxins, etc.

4. Drink water more than 'colored drinks' for your health. Water has no sugar or additives.

5. Read and learn more. Devote time and money for self-improvement, the best investment you can make that truly pays off.

6. Love, care, give, and share more. This practice is the very purpose of your life.

7. Keep believing. Pray. Nurture your spirit. This won't cost you any, but help or answer to your needs can be just a prayer away.


For those YOU CARE ABOUT:
8. If you love them, then say it and show it! Do not take them for granted. They need both to hear and see you care.

9. Spend more quality time with them. It is what they'll remember most.

10. Visit, write, call those you haven't for a while.

For our SENIORS:

11. Give a helping hand and cheers -- cooking, cleaning, or whatever they are limited to.

12. Give a ride or offer to carpool with them whenever there's a need.

13. Involve them on activities that will continue to stimulate their senses, or they can contribute their gathered wisdom.

For our CHILDREN or YOUTH:

14. Walk or create programs for youth to benefit them and rally for their good future.

15. Give them more opportunities to explore and develop their natural gifts and talents, express their dreams and goals.

16. Encourage our children more by your words and example. Stay positive! .

For our VETERANS: (For the freedom we now enjoy is due to their sacrifices.)

17. Send cards or anything to show you remember and appreciate them.

18. Recognize them and give a smile, a salute, or high-five when you see them around.

19. Support their events and fundraising efforts to help them.

For our HOMELESS Citizens: (Just like you and me, they need care and understanding. )

20. Encourage them by taking time to help them get the help they need/resources to get back on track.

21. Volunteer in your local shelters. There are many ways you can help or contribute.

22. Help create more programs to help them get out of their situation.

For our VOLUNTEERS: (For helping us make things happen.)

23. Big "thank you!" note or anything to show your appreciation of them.

24. Join them and be prepared to do a random act of kindness anytime.

25. How about "volunteers appreciation day" to celebrate them and have a good break?

For our ENVIRONMENT: (We only have one planet, so we must take care of it.)

26. Clean and plant trees with your workmates, neighbors, etc. Anywhere permissible.

27. Recycle consciously, not just plastics and papers, but clothes and others you can share. Clean up your closet, garage, or storage for everything that you don't need. Do a yard sale or simply drive to or call local charities for pickup. This is one recycling to meet needs of others.

28. Learn more of what's causing the global warming and contribute to preventions/ solutions.

For ALL of US:

29. Sing, dance, be happy no matter what. Brighter days are yet to come!

30. Speak the truth. Seeking the truth can set someone free.

31. Notice and say something good or positive to someone, and mean it.

32. Learn survival techniques. Always be prepared for any emergency.

33. Accept yourself. You are gifted and blessed more than you know.

34. Be forgiving and understanding as you seek forgiveness and understanding.

35. Learn how to budget or how to manage your money. Spend only on needs and the money that you actually have.

36. Be involved in your community in making good things happen!

37. Will you support me on my personal goal to make a difference (i.e., to reach at least three million people everywhere to bring HOPE and more OPPORTUNITIES for people to live better lives)?

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I miss the beautiful eyes that I can sail through forever. I miss the smile that send me to
heaven.



I miss the mouth that says the loveliest words. I miss the hair that every woman is envious of.

........


I miss the touch that comforts me in times of despair. I miss every part of a second I
spent with you.


I miss the laugh that I rejoice at. I miss the tears that call on me to wash!



I miss the smell! Oh, that pleasant odor. I miss you far and even more when you are near.
I miss the letters that you wrote.


I miss that words you repeat. I miss the first time when you said you loved me. I miss
the times when I had to apologize for being unkind to you.



I miss the times when you forgive me. I miss the colors that you like because I don't
see them anymore.



I miss the place where we sat and talked till dawn. I miss your name so much. I repeat
it to myself everyday!! I miss the dreams that we dreamt of. I miss the hopes that we hoped
together.



I miss the wishes you made for me. I miss the gifts you gave me! I miss the kindness that
no one else can show!! I miss the happiness you can bring! I miss the heart that was so
big that it can love the whole world.



I miss the sweet voice that heals my wounds. I miss everything about you!



Now that you are dead, I don't know if could go on! I don't know if I could live or die!!



I cried over you for so long that I blinded myself!! Alas!!!!! Could you be back! I guess
not!



Days passes me by and they seem like ages! I don't feel anymore! I can't hear anymore!!



I can't smell anymore! Life has no taste!! Darkness prevails! But what keeps me holding
myself together is only one thing: YOU DIED LOVING ME

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Once a boy went to a shop with his mother. The shop keeper looked at the small cute child and showed him a bottle with sweets

And said 'Dear Child..u can take the sweets...

But the child didn't take. The shop keeper was surprised.. Such a small child he is and why is he not taking the sweets from the bottle. Again he said take the sweets....


Now the mother also heard that and said.. Take the sweets dear.. Yet he didn't take... The shopkeeper seeing the child not taking the sweets... He himself took the sweets and gave to the child. The child was happy to get two hands full of sweets.


While returning home the Mother asked the child... Why didn't you take the sweets, when the shop keeper told you to take?..

Can you guess the response: Child replies... Mom! My hands are very small and if I take the sweets I can only take few.. But now you see when uncle gave with his big hands.... How many more sweets I got!


Moral: When we take we may get little but when God gives... HE gives us more beyond our expectations. .. More than what we can hold..!!

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An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She instructed the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, an emerald necklace, a ruby bracelet, and a Rolex watch."


"But you're not wearing any of...those things!" the artist said.


"I know," she replied. "But if I should die before my husband, I'm sure he'll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry!"
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